About Marti

My Testimony

My parents were committed Christians and my father, a Baptist pastor. Although nothing traumatic or earth shattering occurred, I recall few happy memories. We lived next door to the church and my mom said I would wake up each morning and ask if it was Sunday because I wanted to go to church. I had a tender heart towards God and was easily moved by spiritual encounters (revivals, etc).

My father was not an affectionate man and had very high standards. I don’t think he pressured us because it would reflect well on him but that he truly wanted us to be “godly” in our behavior. Being the youngest, born eight years after four siblings that were fairly close in age, things were a little less restrictive for me. While my brothers and sisters were not allowed to ride bikes on Sunday and other such rules, I was the first one to own a sinful deck of playing cards. Nonetheless, It seems that “no” was the typical answer to most requests for social type activities.

Starting in junior high, I began experiencing bouts of depression. I now believe this was due to feelings of rejection from my dad but also intense anger for the high standards that I was unable to meet. I withdrew from any type of competition, feeling I lacked whatever it took to ‘win’ at anything. I remember feeling hopeless and not wanting to live, even praying to die. My best friend recalls me being suicidal, although I don’t recall ever planning an exit strategy.

My depression continued to plague me throughout life, due to rejection, feelings of anger for real and perceived abuse, and being treated as “less than”. I embraced a victim mentality and shut down, hoping that if I was invisible, I could avoid the inevitable pain of rejection.

I struggled in marriage to believe I was worthy and saw everything through eyes of rejection.

Even when my husband stayed loyal and committed, I felt it was out of a sense of duty, and not a true love for me.

I loved having babies and being a mom but as the years passed the crutches that allowed me to limp through life started to fail. I started to develop a list of physical ailments that led to pursuing alternate therapies for solutions. I suffered seasonal allergies, chemical allergies, migraines, leg pain due to varicose veins, and other unexplainable symptoms.

A mental fog kept me in a haze that inhibited my ability to think clearly or function normally. I felt unsafe driving my children and resented missing out on my children’s lives, spiraling into more self-condemnation. I knew the enemy was stealing precious years from me. I pursued counseling at various times, never achieving any significant breakthrough.

In 2007, my friend invited me to her house to hear her cousin speak. He was a lay minister from Oklahoma, and as he began to share, I sat on the edge of my seat sensing freedom was at hand. Every word had life attached and I began to hope that answers were actually available for me.

I made an appointment to go for ministry in Oklahoma and my friend went with me. After a session Friday afternoon we broke for dinner, then continued into the evening. It felt like he was pulling teeth, like we were at a stale mate. He kept saying I needed to let go of the anger but I honestly had no clue what he was referring to.

We planned to continue the next morning. As he began to close us in prayer for the evening,

he said “God is waiting with open arms”….

As he said those words, I pictured in my mind’s eye these outstretched arms, and as I looked up into God’s face, He was beaming with love and affection towards me. A flood of weeping and guttural wailing welled up deep within my being. I’m sure they were wondering what had just happened. I told them later that I always dreaded going to heaven because I didn’t want to see the look of disappointment in the Father’s eyes. I was expecting the same look I had seen in my father’s face so many times, as he despaired of my ever living up to the standard.

The pebble holding the dam in place burst forth and suddenly the walls of self-protection and self-condemnation crumbled. I forgave a multiple transgressors and dealt with the anger from rejection and abuse. As the enemy’s strongholds were demolished, I was relieved of the weight from a lifetime of hurt and pain. I went in as Eyore and left as Tigger. Not only was I delivered from torment and fear, but I was healed, emotionally and physically as well. All my symptoms were gone. The emotional barbs had festered into physical ailments and as the internal healing began, the external healing manifested.

I was free at last!!!

I floated home on a cloud of glory, and my poor family probably thought an alien had taken over my body. My new sense of joy looked as if I had developed a drinking problem. There were many adjustments as we began to search for a new normal and I learned a profound lesson: It’s a wonderful thing to be set free, but it’s an entirely different thing to stay free!

When you have walked the same path for 40 years, you have muscle memory responses and reactions that have to be changed intentionally. Just because you have a new thought or truth revealed, it is not automatically implemented without purposeful intention.

Thus began my journey of identifying lies and replacing them with truth, determined to maintain my cross-earned freedom. I walked out of the minister’s office angry at the enemy for stealing years of my life, and my children’s lives. I was determined that the same keys that Jesus won at Calvary over death and destruction, the same keys that set me free, I would now wield to release other prisoners.

I had finally experienced the “good news”. I was reunited with the Father and empowered to walk in victory over the schemes of the devil. I had received the message of hope….that we can actually experience wholeness: body, soul, and spirit….this side of heaven. I didn’t have to wait for the good ole by and by, but I could have it here and now. I had the keys and the enemy better watch out because I was bound and determined to see others set free also.

The minister mentored me for many years, and I began to pursue kingdom-minded teaching, teaching that espoused victory here on earth and that we don’t have to sit back and take everything the enemy dishes out as God’s will. My friends and I drove weekly for two years to a Sunday night school at a church in Round Rock. We developed confidence in our relationship with a good Daddy and were empowered regarding our mission on planet earth.

The tenderness I had towards God as a child helps me encourage others to know and experience the unconditional love of the Father, to rest in His protection and provision, and to walk in the authority of being a son/daughter, carrying out the Father’s wishes.

Revelation says, “The testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy.” Just as the Old Testament is a constant unveiling of the character and attributes of God, every revelation is an invitation into a new level of intimacy. May my testimony be an open invitation into the doorway of freedom and hope. Depression and rejection are only ploys to steal your strength and the identity God intended you to walk in, making you an ineffectual influence, merely struggling for survival.